Words Of Wisdom

I have outlasted all desire,
My dreams and I have grown apart;
My grief alone is left entire,
The gleanings of an empty heart.

-Untitled, 1821 Alexander Pushkin


Tuesday 8 September 2009

Motion


As she alighted from the stairs, he saw her face, all too familiar. All her perfections and imperfections in one vision of light. Her chapped lips, the uneven blush of her cheeks, her swollen left eye; her pair of bright mirrors, the effortless smile- he saw them all, and loved them all. He immediately started towards her, taking joyful strides, eager to ask her how her day had been.

But his vision was invaded by another. Rooted to the spot, he watched as the person came to her and tapped her from behind. She turned around the wrong side, eyes darting to her left. The person laughed as he teased her about her stupidity, and her eyes lighted up, they too took striding steps together. The same striding steps he had just taken.

He swung back to the opposite direction, making quick, agitated slides on the slippery porcelain floor towards the office. He continued walking, trudging on through the embattlement of his heart, until he stopped, dead, leaning his head against the pillar. Curious onlookers stared, then scooted off as he glared at them. He did not need the pity of the world right now.

He thought to a time when he told himself he would be happy no matter what happened, and realised how quickly does words dissolved before the pain in his heart. The pain, that poked at him, prodded at him in his sleep, in his walk, in his every waking and sleeping moment. A pain that incited tears but resulted in none. Pain.

Pain. That was what he had been through for four long years, always adamant, always disbelieving. He looked at a tree. On of its leaves, there was a caterpillar, hanging from a loose cocoon thread. It would surely drop if just once the tree was shaken. Perhaps he was like this caterpillar. He was holding on to a hopeless hope, a thin line of belief, that when broken would lead his emotions the way of gravity- down.

And so, he walked along the corridors, dragging his feet along. His feet, like him, were tired. But nevertheless, he kept on moving. Moving towards her. Towards the hopeless hope. He kept on moving ...

Monday 7 September 2009

Walking The Path Alone

He stood at the counter, motionless, holding the drink he had just bought, the drink that was meant for her. From afar, he could see the two of them talking away, smiles and glances stealing away. They were animated, and she had a twinkle in her eye that shone against the sunlight. A spark, a fire that he recognised immediately as attraction. A fire that he had never owned.

He took slow steps towards the two, contemplating whether to barge in their conversation. They were surrounded by so many others, in a world he knew he did not belong to. Her world. He
turned back and decided to gulp down the drink that was meant for her. Root beer. He had picked that drink because that was the drink that he had seen her buy three times already. He had observed every detail of her. The way her soft fingers twirled around the sweating can, the almost tomboyish manner in which she carried herself, the slight skip in the way she walked. All these, he had remembered, because every little detail was a part of her, a part that he loved.

He thought about the last boyfriend she had, and winced at the memories. It was painful for him because it had been painful for her. When she had talked to him on the phone that night, he had already sensed something wrong. She denied it all the same. And then she broke down in tears. Those moments, was when he had felt a terrible, soul ripping agony in his heart, not because of jealousy, but because all he wanted her was to be happy, and that happiness was being
destroyed.

All he wanted her was to be happy. And taking a last, long look at the girl who was the centre of his life, he wished her to be happy with whoever she wanted to be with. He had never expected anything to come out of his affection anyway. It didn't matter. Or so he told himself.

He picked up his heavy bag, which seemed even heavier and walked. He walked the same steps that he had taken with her, sending her out every opportunity he got. Except now, he walked the path alone. "As long as she's happy ...."